MFX:  RED DUST SONG STARTS--$2 AND SOME CHG.

 

ANNOUNCER
Welcome to the Ancient Radio Players production of The Okie Red Dust Review.  Skits, songs, and general mayhem from that town where the dust is red and so are the necks.  We welcome you to a place where the place is simple--and so are the folks.  So kick back and relax as the Ancient Radio Players bring you The Okie Red Dust Review.

 

  MFX:  SONG FINISHES UP

 

ANNOUNCER
And now we bring you the news thats newsworthy and worthy to be called news.

NEWSCASTER
Hello, Red Dust, and heres the news in our neck of the woods.  Headline:  Terry Lambert that owns Megs Honk and Get It went and got it the other day, folks.  Terry is now the proud owner of a lipring--the first in the Red Dust area.  In fact, the first in this entire county.  Terry felt he needed a change and thats just what hes getting.  The town of Red Dust has decided that Terry and his lipring need to move outside of city limits.  They hope he and his lipring will enjoy each others company.  Headline:  the new sign at the Methodist church has many fishermen very confused and causing chaos down at the church.  Pastor Franklin put up a sign that reads:  Be fishers of men, you catch em, Hell cleam em.  Well, some hooligans in town did some clever letter re-arranging and now the Methodist church is up to its steeple in bass and crappy.  Fishermen in the area mistook the sign, thinking the Methodists were suddenly moved by the spirit to start cleaning fish.  When asked about the fish, Pastor Franklin had this to say, and I quote:  The Lord, he do move in mysterious ways.  A fish-fry will be held at the church this coming Sunday--the whole town is invited.  Headline:  a Red Dust hats off goes to Teddy Parker for mowing his lawn while his wife had their first child in the Wohoso County Hospital and Lawncare.  Teddy properly demonstrated the way to be unavailable when his wife, Izzy, had their first child, Marybelle.  Divorce proceedings were averted when Teddy bagged the grass--a first in his life.  Teddy--a Red Dust hats off to ya.  And this just in--a truck of pigs feet has just been stolen outside of the Red Dust Grocery and Tavern.  An unidentified man hopped in the pigs feet truck and drove off toward main street.  Anyone seeing the truck is encouraged to call Officer Stucks.  And speaking of Officer Stucks--hes here to give the citizens of Red Dust valuable news concerning the police department.

 

OFFICER STUCKS
Ive got to make this quick, Red Dust.  Duty calls with the missing pigs feet truck, so Ill make this quick.  Budget cuts in the town have limited what we can purchase down at the police department.  Uniforms, hats, boots, and doughnut holes now have to be purchased by our officers.  Including me.  That means that we also have to purchase our own bullets for our guns.  What does this mean for you, citizens of Red Dust.  Simply put--if you are doing wrong, and are caught, I cannot afford to shoot you.  Now if it gets serious and I have no other alternative but to shoot you--and you survive--I will sue you for the cost of the bullet.  Ive already talked to our city attorney, Webster Eliot, and he said it was perfectly legal to sue you for the cost of my bullet.  Please, Red Dust, dont make me shoot you.  Id hate to do that then turn around and sue you for making me shoot you.  Thank you.  I better go see if I can find that pigs feet truck. 

NEWSCASTER
Thank you, Officer Stucks.  The news brought to you this week by WT Potpourri, with their new used oil smell scent.

 

  MFX:  WT POTPOURRI JINGLE W/ KEVIN

 

NEWSCASTER
When you want your sense of smell to jump with glee, its WT Potpourri, found where all good stink-em stuff products are found.

ANNOUNCER
Thank you, Shawn.  And now its time for Dump Your Junk for Loose Change Trading Post.  The show where you can sell any kind of junk that anyone else will buy.  Take it away Barbra.

 

BARBRA
Thank you, and welcome to Dump Your Junk.

ANNOUNCER
The boards all yours, Barbra.

 

BARBRA
Thank you.  You know the drill, listeners, 555-D-U-M-P if youre selling.  555-J-U-N-K if youre buying.  Lets see what we can sell to day on Dump Your Junk.  Go ahead, caller, what do you have to sell?

CALLER #1
Ive got some video tapes Id like to sell, Barbra.

 

BARBRA
Okay.  What kind of tapes?

CALLER #1
Ive got some gospel tapes.

 

BARBRA
Okay.

CALLER #1
And some wrastlin tapes, too.

 

BARBRA
Gospel and wrastlin tapes.

CALLER #1
Thats right, Barbra.  We just love that there gospel singing in the spirit power hour that they show.  We love it.  So we taped all of em.  Weve seen a hundred times, or there abouts and were through with them.

 

BARBRA
And the wrastlin tapes?

CALLER #1
Well, its wrastlin, Barbra.  What more can ya say?  Its got the best of the Universal Wrastlin Federation.  Its got cage matches with The Gravedigger and Pink Salmon.  Theyre great. 

 

BARBRA
And how much are you asking, caller?

CALLER #1
Five dollars a piece.  That covers the cost of the tape and my time taping em.  That seems only fair.

 

BARBRA
All right.  You heard the caller, listeners--

CALLER #1
Wait, Barbra--

 

BARBRA
Yes, caller.

CALLER #1
I also have some special combination tapes that I know will please someone out there.

 

BARBRA
What do you have, caller?

CALLER #1
I got the special Gospel Wrastlin Singin Federation on tape.

 

BARBRA
The what?

CALLER #1
You know, Barbra.  Its the show that combines good, wholesome wrastlin with singin for the Lord.  Its great.  What more could you ask for?  I mean, really.  This is something special for anyone out there who loves to watch wrastlin and singin for the Lord.

 

BARBRA
Okay.

CALLER #1
Now those tapes will go for a little more, Barbra.  Theyre that special. 

 

BARBRA
How much?

CALLER #1
Ill sell those for $10 a piece, Barbra.

 

BARBRA
Cant you just watch these on TV, caller?

CALLER #1
Well, sure.  But think of all Ive got on tape that someone out there doesnt have.

 

BARBRA
Oh, Im sure.  Thank you, caller.

CALLER #1
No, thank you, Barbra. 

 

BARBRA
Next caller on Dump Your Junk.

CALLER #2
Hey, Barbra.

 

BARBRA
Hello, caller.  What do you have for us?

CALLER #2
Ive got a special item for our farmers out there.

 

BARBRA
All right. Shoot.

CALLER #2
Ive got a washtub.

 

BARBRA
A washtub.

CALLER #2
Thats right.  A solid, pure-d, washtub thatll do great for some farmer who needs to water his cows or his pigs or whatever.  This is a great washtub for watering your livestock.

 

BARBRA
A washtub to water livestock.

CALLER #2
Thats exactly right, Barbra.  And its one of those washtubs that can be multi-purposeful.

 

BARBRA
Multi-purposeful.

CALLER #2
You can use it for all kinds of stuff, Barbra.  If youre done watering your livestock, you can bring it in the house and wash the kids in it.  Or you could take a bath yourself.  Or the missus, or whoever needs a bath.  Now thats multi-purposeful, wouldnt you say?

 

BARBRA
Yeah, something like that.  How much?

CALLER #2
Oh, Im not done, Barbra.  This tub could also be used to make potato salad in when all the kinfolk come over for a cookout.  It could be used to catch oil from your truck when youre changing it.  It could be used as a wheelbarrow if you put it on the kids wagon.  
It could be used as a hiding spot when you go out hunting.  It could be used to mix your cement in when youre fixin the backporch.  You could paint it, put wheels on it, and a motor and youd have a racecar.  You could fill it with potting soil and have a little garden.  And I could go on and on.

 

BARBRA
I bet you could.

CALLER #2
You see, Barbra.  Multi-purposeful.

 

BARBRA
How much, caller?

CALLER #2
It being multi-purposeful raises the price, Barbra.

 

BARBRA
How much?

CALLER #2
A couple hundred.  Just because of the potential.

 

BARBRA
All right, you heard it, listeners.  If you want the multi-purposeful tub, its 555-JUNK. 

CALLER #2
And, hey, Barbra, if theres a farmer that needs some serious water troughs Ive got a truckload of old water heaters he could cut in half.  Id throw those in for a sawbuck a piece.

 

BARBRA
How generous of you.  Next caller.

CALLER #3
Hey, Barbra, baby!

 

BARBRA
Hello, caller.  And what have you got for Dump Your Junk?

CALLER #3
Love this show, Barbra!  Love it, baby!

 

BARBRA
Wonderful.  What have you got for the show today?

CALLER #3
Me and the kids listen to your show every time it comes on.  Did you know that?  Did ya?

 

BARBRA
Thats great, caller.  What do you have?

CALLER #3
Oh, yeah.  Uh, Barbra, Im looking to sell some pigs feet.

 

BARBRA
Pigs feet?

CALLER #3
Lots of em, Barbra.  You might even say a truckload.

 

BARBRA
A truckload of pigs feet.

CALLER #3
Thats what I said, Barbra.  Did I say I love your show?

 

BARBRA
You want to sell a truckload of pigs feet?

CALLER #3
I didnt exactly say a truckload, now did I, Barbra?  Like a truckload.  A few feet short of a truckload.  These babies are hot, Barbra.  And gettin hotter by the minute. 

 

BARBRA
What is your name, caller?

CALLER #3
My name?

 

BARBRA
Your name.

CALLER #3
Uh, Bob.  Thats right.  Bob.

 

BARBRA
So you want to sell a load of pigs feet?

CALLER #3
Thats right, Barbra.  High quality pigs feet they are, too.  I mean the very best of the pigs feet brands.  These are the Duncan Heinz of pigs feet.

 

BARBRA
Im sure they are.

CALLER #3
Oh, they are, Barbra.  They are.

 

BARBRA
And how much are you selling them for, Bob?

CALLER #3
Bob?  Did you say Bob?

 

BARBRA
Your name is Bob, right?

CALLER #3
Yeah!  Oh, yeah.  Bob.  Look, Ive gotta run.  These pigs feet are gettin hotter by the minute, so I gotta go.  So Ill take best offer or a trade-in.  Thanks, Barbra.

 

BARBRA
Caller?  Caller?  Bob?  I think that about does it for this weeks Dump Your Junk for Loose Change.  If you wanted to buy, its 555-J-U-N-K.  Best of luck to you.  And have a happy time with your junk.

ANNOUNCER
Thanks, Barbra.